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Monday, August 31st, 2009
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Check it out!
http://laughinginabeautifulworld.blogspot.com/
I haven't really spent much time formatting it to my ideal settings or anything, but it's a start. A very basic start. Hopefully, it'll start getting updated regularly. So follow it!
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Thursday, August 27th, 2009
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| Time: | 10:58 am. |
| Mood: |  calm. |
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School is back in session. I'm excited about it - I think it's going to be a good semester. I'm in a business law class, which kind of terrifies me simply because it's taught at the pace of law school, even though it's only a 3000 level class. I don't think it'll be too complicated though - I already know everything we've covered so far because of my job. We'll see. I'm in 3 Communications classes, and all three deal with Media Literacy - generally to the tun of politics and persuasion. I'm super excited for that. Political communication absolutely fascinates me for some strange reason. I still have the pesky 1000 level online class. I'm regretting it - I should have just taken intro to art or something this semester. Ah well.
In band news, I'm probably joining Tau Beta Sigma. I know I know. It's my last semester. I've been on the edge of joining for 3 years now, and I think I'm finally going to do it. Hopefully Sean won't kill me from the amount I'm taking on this semester, but it's my last semester in school and I really want to take advantage of it. People always say the first year is the best year anyways. I do most of the Tau Beta stuff (or at least guard stuff) anyways...might as well, right? That will put me in both an honor society and a service sorority by the end of the semester. I'm going to be one busy girl.
*random thought* there's a guy over there who REALLY looks like my counselor from high school...
Also, it's really strange seeing some people on campus. My friends' little siblings are now at Mizzou, and I inevitably see them from time to time. Definitely time to graduate.
Other news. I'm thinking about starting up a new blog. Unfortunately, I can't think of a name that I really like. I want this blog to last me awhile, and I'd rather not do the awkward transition phase as much as possible. I want to be able to talk about everything on it too. From wedding stuff to life to work to recipes to (one day) kids. I want an adult blog, I guess is what I'm saying. I've been writing down ideas for new blog names (I'm not sure why this is so monumental for me, but it is) as I think of them, and one day I'll pick one....
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Friday, August 14th, 2009
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I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to Mexico. It's killing me. I just don't know. We're going August 1st, of next summer. August 1st. The biggest moving day of the year for college students. Yes, I'll be graduated. But, Sean will be going to law school, and I have no idea where we're going to be. Yes, we could move early into an apartment whereever we're going to be. But, I still have responsibilities in Columbia, ya know? And, it would be a waste of money to move out early, in addition to leaving everyone else hanging as far as cleaning goes. Lame. And then there's the money issue. $500 is not a lot, for a week in Mexico (that includes airfare and food). But, right now, for me, it is. I have to organize money for the rest of school, car payments, my rent, loan payments after school, plus possibly paying for my own insurance if I don't get a job that provides it. And lets not forget the wedding...I have that too. And the wedding is starting to turn into a "we'll pay you back" venture from my parents - which means I have to come up with the money point blank. I can't even FATHOM most of the money I'm spending right now, and yet it's flying away. I'm budgeting like crazy - I know where every penny is going. I'm overwhelmed. With my wedding and Moni's wedding, and moving and my last semester and Marching Mizzou and Sean getting into/us moving to law school - just oh my god. I think I might not be able to go. I'll have to call Emily and explain it. But at the same time, I still want to help fundraise - this is still my youth group.
So on that note - anyone want to buy a Papa Murphy's coupon card? They're valid in Columbia too!
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I've learned things this week.
I've learned that I'm the go-to girl in one of my groups. It's the best feeling in the world.
I've learned that there's one person who will always be by my side, no matter what.
I've learned that one of the people I thought I could tell anything to, I can't.
I've learned that being "the happy one" is really really hard sometimes.
I've learned that if I move back home after the end of the semester, for more than 3 weeks, I pay $180 rent a month - and I'm okay with that.
I've learned that the reason I have to pry things out of someone, is because they don't want to disappoint me. Yet, it's THAT that I'm disappointed about.
And it seems that I've learned it all the hard way. Ah well. Live and learn, right?
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| Time: | 10:18 am. |
| Mood: |  frustrated. |
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I need to go back to Columbia.
I need to stop worrying about other people, I need to stop worrying about everything. I'm tired of worrying about being treated equally, I need to learn that things don't work that way. I need to learn that I have different expectations of myself than others. I need to learn to be patient. I need to learn that not all families work the same. I need to be listened to, really listened to, and understood. More than anything, I need to learn to not be bothered by these things. I'm bigger than them. What happened to my high school self, where I could brush these things off? Why am I so bothered by these things? Why have I become so emotional?
I need Columbia. I need music, I need band. I really need an old fashion youth group meeting.
Give me the strength to not be bothered by things so much, and to learn to be more patient.
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| Time: | 10:54 am. |
| Mood: |  excited. |
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this summer is rapidly coming to a close.
i can't WAIT to see the new place with all of its bedrooms and clean.
it's going to be strange not living with jayme.
it's going to be strange being the only one graduated next spring.
i can't wait.
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Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
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I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed with people not listening to me, I'm annoyed with people saying "oh you'll get this stuff too one day" when I know I won't, because I don't ask and I don't take advantage of people, I'm annoyed with being told I'm ruining my life, I'm annoyed with people thinking I don't know how to do anything, I'm just fucking annoyed.
I hate that I'm stuck in a limbo - I'm not getting married yet, I don't have kids, I'm not planning on being in school for the rest of my life, I don't think that a family is a death sentence, I don't use people - I feel like I don't fit in with anyone anymore. I can't worry about a job yet, because I still have one more semester to go. Because Sean's going on to school, I don't know where I'm going to be in a year. I'm tired of being left out and taken advantage of, but I know that it'll never really stop. I just wish I knew where I was going in life - I have absolutely no idea. I feel like Sean's the only one I can really talk to anymore, because everyone else just rolls their eyes at me. Everyone else either thinks I'm ruining my life, I've got it made, or that someone else is more important. And what's worse, is that sometimes I just don't know anymore.
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I guess things have a way of working out, thankfully.
My insurance got dropped, to less than $50 a month. that's almost half of what it had been. I'm really glad it isn't $90 a month anymore. Jeez. Jill is letting me take karate for the summer, free of charge. I'm really glad about that one too. It'll help me get back into shape a bit, and I really want to meet all the new people there. They know my little sister, but not me.
I can't wait for Saturday, next Saturday, San Antonio, and Florida. This saturday we're going to see another reception hall, and possibly going to the O'Fallon festival or maybe downtown. Next Saturday we start our wedding prep classes, plus we're having our family engagement party. I'm not exactly *excited* for the wedding prep classes (we've been together for FOUR YEARS people), but I know that getting them done makes us one step closer to actually getting married, so that is exciting. It'll be nice for most of our families to meet each other too. San Antonio and Florida are pretty self-explanatory in my book. San Antonio = DCI, and Florida = beach. And then, I move into my new duplex with Lyndsey, Allie, and Jane, and life will be awesome!
I'm sad that Sean isn't having a 5th of July party...I know Rachel's having one instead, but it's not the same. I love throwing parties - even if they're random pot-luck get togethers. I'm trying to get him to still throw another party, but he's reluctant to with pat and amber living there. I guess I don't blame him too much.
Anyways. I'm off. Band shoppe needs to be called, invite stuff needs to be ordered, guest list needs to be worked on, wedding blog needs to be updated, dishes need to be done, etc etc etc. YIKES!
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Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
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| Time: | 5:24 pm. |
| Mood: |  busy. |
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The end of July is going to kill me. Especially Florida.
On that Saturday (it's not for another month), we have our pre-cana class until 2, and then we have to leave for Florida. The rest of the family is leaving on Friday, so Sean and I will be driving down on our own (not like we haven't done it before!). We're planning on getting to Memphis around 8 or 9, and hanging out there for a while (now that I'm old enough!). We can't leave Memphis until like 11 pm or so though, otherwise we'll be getting into Destin around 6 am on Sunday, and I don't think his family wants to wake up that early to let us in :p We're hoping to get there around 8 am.
Then, we have to leave on Friday, cause our move in date for the duplex is on the 1st. We'll probably leave at like 9 pm on Friday, and then just drive straight through, getting to CoMo around noon. Then we'll move! I'll have all my stuff packed and ready to go, so that won't be too big of a deal though.
It wouldn't be AS bad, except I'm doing the whole driving thing the weekend before for San Antonio too! I'll be doing something like 54 hours of driving in 2 weeks. Good thing I like to drive and beach and DCI are involved!
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So I'm joining karate again. Mom said she'd pay for it, since she's always kind of been angry at me for leaving. I was good. I want to be that good again. I want to FEEL that good again. There's just something about the smell of that place - the sweat and tears that go into it. I walked in, and Sensei was working on bo. I always wanted to do bo, but never got around to it. I'll probably be too busy catching up on katas (lord, I think I remember the first 3. maybe.), but at least I'll be in it again. I'm excited to put my gi on, to tie that belt, to put my hair up in the tightest pony I can. To get my ass whooped. I want to go every day. I want to work out hard, to kill myself there. I want that family section back. I'm so excited.
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Thursday, June 18th, 2009
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Sean and I started looking at law schools for him yesterday. We found a nifty site that gives you the average acceptance rate of schools, based on GPAs and LSAT scores. He probably won't be able to get into Mizzou (which sucks), but he might be able to get into UMKC. Then again, we could be moving to Washington, California, Ohio, or Maine. Oi. It kinda sucks that we could be moving so far away, but I think it'll be okay in the end. We've got each other, right? I'll get a job wherever we end up, and life will begin. Yes, I'd like to end up in St. Louis. But life doesn't always give you what you want. The biggest pain will be wedding planning like that. Hopefully I can get almost everything done by next summer (before he starts school). The concept of moving without having a job wherever I headed to is kind of terrifying, but ah well.
In other news. I got my license plates. Tomorrow I'm going to see the Stegton (probably without anyone else, but oh well), Tuesday I'm going to David's Bridal to look at dresses, and who knows what else this weekend. I'm just really starting to get busy. Hopefully I can finish Mama's scarf in the next week or so, so I can start on her hat. I also really need to work on my summer class. I've began slacking on that one. Oops!
Not much else going on...just busy!
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| Time: | 11:16 pm. |
| Mood: |  angry. |
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EDIT to previous post.
Mom took the check back. Apparently I'm not allowed to take handouts from people.
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thank god for my dad.
Apparently my mom wasn't going to let my uncle pay me for my car. Or rather, she was going to take the money. Really? I've paid for all the maintenance on that van for past 3 years, and they were just going to throw it away if I wasn't driving it! I didn't know about this until just now, dad told me about it.
Thankfully, dad talked her out of it. I was worried about john actually paying me, cause well, let's just say I haven't gotten a birthday/christmas present for about 16 years. John, although my godfather, tends to be the least "family" of all my members. But, he lives back in St. Peters now (he moved away when I was, like 2), and he's coming back around. Thankfully, John came through. *phew* Car payments for the summer are now taken care of. He actually gave me $200 more than I asked him for! So tomorrow, that will get deposited, and I can relax about money for a while. I mean, I still don't have money to spend, but at least now I won't have to beg my parents so I can make a few payments. They're already hating me about money.
Speaking of, dad also nixed me inviting his cousins, and their kids. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've gone to all of their weddings (and theirs kids weddings), and we get along well at family reunions, so I feel obligated. Especially since I'm invited like 2nd cousins twice removed on my mom's side. But mom's side is a lot smaller. I mean, just nixing dad's first cousins chops about 40 people off our guest list. we're below 250 now! It still doesn't open up any other venue options, but money is being saved in so many ways (favors, food, alcohol, invites, programs - everything!). I mean, just food-wise, that's over a thousand dollars off the budget. wow!
anyways. I'm off. toodle-loo!
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my newest baby cousin is going to have his tongue cut, since he isn't eating well. that just sounds horrible :-\
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Well, the picnic has come and gone. It was the most successful picnic that they've ever had. EVER. Next Sunday or so we'll know the final count of how much money was made, but damn it must have been a lot. I mean, the ICE CREAM stand brought in over $700 in two days. Crazy! I saw a lot of people. A lot of people. I find it strange that I'm one of the few in my All Saints group that doesn't have kids. I didn't win anything (sad, I know).
I'm kinda going to crash now, cause I've been going for so long. Hopefully my bumble bee facepaint doesn't stay on my pillow after tonight...
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| Time: | 12:05 am. |
| Mood: |  grateful. |
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I realized something tonight.
I was sitting in the beer garden, sharing a pitcher, listening to a band called Guilty Pleasures sing country songs. There were old people waltzing and young people moshing. Hundreds of people were hanging around, enjoying the nice night and the cloud of smoke from the fryers. I was eating my free toasted ravioli from Jorge, sitting with Sean, Karla, Jody, the Fraziers, and the soon to be Lopezes (ie, Moni and Miguel), and I realized it.
This is where I need to be.
Church picnics, ferris wheel and Mo-Mo the octopus, beer garden, duck ponds, roast beef dinners and pork steaks. I need to be where I can talk about mission trips, Mizzou sports, God, camping, and Everclear concoctions - all in the same sitting, with the same group of people, all partaking equally. Maybe it's because I've somehow magically crossed that threshold - I'm not longer a kid, I'm an adult. Maybe it's because at All Saints, everyone knows me. I can talk to 1st graders, 6th graders, high school grads, college kids, my parents generation, and retired people - and always have SOMETHING to actually talk about. Not small-talk that fills the silence, actual meaningful conversations. Or maybe it's because I've stopped fighting it.
College has been a strange experience for me. I don't quite "fit in" with a lot of people. I enjoy arguing politics, going to Church, and would rather end up in my bed than passed out on the floor of a stranger's apartment. While I like to travel, I've realized that I don't want to globe-trot. I'd rather go on a church mission trip than a vacation, unless the vacation is with family (usually at least). I've never had the desire to go to Europe "just because", and I'd rather take kids to Disney World than go on my own. These past three years have been like an identity crisis, and I've cried too much over who I'm not, and who my friends are. It's not that they're wrong and I'm right - it's that we're different and different ideals and different goals in life. I finally figured mine out. This is who I am. I've figured out that you can't be jealous over what other people want, I can't make myself like that.
I plan on living this last semester of college to the fullest. But I know, that in December, I'll be ready. I think it's going to be strange living with 3 other girls that haven't graduated, but I'll be glad to be done. And I know, strangely enough, that in a few years, I will more than happy to move back to the black hole we call St. Peters and start a family. I know this is where I'm supposed to be, where I need to be, where I WANT to be.
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Sometimes, I wish you'd understand. And sometimes, I wonder how you can't possibly understand. And sometimes, I wonder if I was too hasty. I don't think so. But sometimes I wonder.
I couldn't possibly be happier with who I am, what I've done, and what I have.
I can't wait to get married in 754 days.
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Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
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So. I'm getting married in a Catholic Church. Which, consequently, means I need to take Pre-Cana, which are two wedding prep classes. Easy right? No so much. I keep looking on the Archdiocese website, and it says July dates will be posted Mid to Late May. It is June 10th. No dates. So yesterday I began following the Archdiocese on Twitter, and then angry tweeted them that they should post dates. I got a direct apology no less than 2 hours later, and was told to e-mail someone directly about the problem. How I LOVE the effectiveness of Twitter!!!
Now, the class schedule wouldn't be THAT big of a deal, if July wasn't jam packed for me. Classes are only offered on the weekend, and it's usually an every other weekend deal (although, usually one weekend is reserved for a Sat and Sun smackdown of Godliness). On the 11th, we have our engagement party (though we haven't sent out invites yet, just in case this prep stuff gets in the way), The next weekend I'm hopefully going to San Antonio, and the next weekend (last weekend in July) I'm leaving for Florida. Oh, and the only other weekend is the 4th, which I highly doubt they'll do anything on! These classes are like, 5 hours a piece, so they tend to be an all day ordeal. Plus, they tend to be in random churches all over the archdiocese. That's over 300 churches, from Lincoln County to Perry County. So, we could be over 2 hours away for this thing.
Anyways. Hopefully I'll get an e-mail back sometime today from Ms. Rose, the lady whom Twitter directed me to.
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Okay. I need $1000 by June 19th. Oh boy. I would be fine, if my uncle would pay me the money for my car. But he hasn't. And therefore, I am short. Well, if I don't take money out of my savings I am at least. But, the car has to licensed, so yea.
I'm thinking about canceling our big wedding, and just having a smaller one that we can pay for ourselves. I'm so tired of mom guilt tripping me. I can't tell you the amount of times that she has told me I'm ruining her life because I'm getting married. They OFFERED to help us pay for this - we weren't expecting help. If they didn't want to, why did they offer? Seriously. And yet, every other day, it's about how greedy I am. Fine. I won't take the money. I don't want to be guilt-tripped for the rest of my life because I didn't get knocked up. And I honestly mean rest of my life. Mom is STILL giving me shit because I wasted $6k when I went to dominic for a year. That was 7 years ago! But if we cut the guest list down MAJORLY, I think Sean and I can pay for ourselves. If we take off most of my extended family and some of my parents friends, we can get it down to about 150. But I don't want to take OUR friends off. But 150 cuts the wedding in half, literally, so I guess that's pretty damn good. That would mean we could feed everyone for about $5k, and if we knock off the open bar it would bring it down another grand. Sean and I could do that. Add another $2k in for photography and DJ, and another grand in for all the church related stuff (THAT is not optional). We could potentially have this wedding for about $7k, and it still be pretty darn good. It's something we're going to have to think about, that's for sure.
Heh. Mama Byrne offered me her wedding dress last night. Even if I wanted to cut it up. I probably won't, but there's something to be said about her offering that. I feel even more like a part of the family. :) that's good, cause mine isn't exactly being supportive.
*sigh* why can't this be easy? it should be. it's a statement of love. I feel like we're being screwed over cause we're the first to get married. Ugh.
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You know how we get rid of all this damn gay marriage controversy? Call anything the government is involved with a civil union. Have a civil union license, which provides all the governmental benefits for everyone equally, and get rid of the marriage license. You want a marriage? Go to a church - they can refuse who they want to. Let's separate out church and state again on this issue, and things will be a lot less of a damn hassle.
I'll be the first to admit, there's too much religion in the government. It doesn't need to be there.
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seemyyellowshoe's journal
annoyed.